Stirred, Not Shaken

The tricky thing about the distractions and diversions in my life is that, in most cases, I put them there.  No one else. And sure they can soothe me, and calm me, but more than anything, they can waste my time.  I can while away the entire evening with a pointless iphone game and the next day feel this funny ache, this regret, this knowledge that I should have manned up and done some writing, or exploring, given up on instant gratification to feel some long term gratification.  It can be a fight, all the harder now that I have a full time, stressful new job, my attempts to wrap my brain around which are keeping me in the office long past the time I'm required to be there.  And when I get home the last thing I want to do with my time is exercise my fucking mind.  And yet...

It was a wonderful weekend full of inspiring theatre and magical friends and affirming time with my mom and dad and a couple of those bubbling up warm fuzzy feelings thrown in for good measure.    It's also been "stirring".  The job mentioned previously takes a lot of faith that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel once these lessons have sunk into my brain.  And the fact that this job is not very artistic, in some ways not at all aligned with my natural tendencies, it makes me wonder if it's worth the time and pain.  However, these challenges, as they say "strengthen" us.  Remind us that we can get through if we trust.  And if we don't trust and we give up?  Then we reinforce the negative message that we will not make it and the things that seem so wonderful at the beginning will inevitably turn sour.  But if we DO trust, then the sour things turn back to sweet (oh lord this is one lame-ass analogy, but you get the point...right?) and you can feel good about yourself for not giving in to the momentary weakness.  

Or...have I jumped from one dead-end job to one that may have a clear path, but a path that I don't particularly want to travel down?

And yet, as my friend Mark reminded me, it's not boring.  And in a lot of ways, these moments of life are exactly what he hope for during the lulls.  I'm right in the thick of life, feeling emotions, figuring things out, experiencing.  And I am being creative.  I'm blogging, I recently finished a screenplay which I'm submitting to competitions and festivals, and I'm gearing up to be participating in a pretty unique multimedia stage piece which explores some of the myths that fascinate me through a modern sensibility.  And, it's nice to be reminded occasionally that pleasant surprises can find you without your working so hard to find them, as long as your opening doors and walking through them. 

Things are happening, inside and out, and right now it's enough to know that.

Joe Hartman